even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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