proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
