apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
