I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
