I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
