Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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