Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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