This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just high enough for therapy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
