I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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