Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
