the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found puke in my bra..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
