good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
