My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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