The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
