I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
