Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
