It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
