Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
