They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
