drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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