glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.