My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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