Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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