Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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