my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize