meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
