I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
