Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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