so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
