She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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