I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
