Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if only i could text you this smell
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
