It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
