Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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