I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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