I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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