"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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