its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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