I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I FOUND THE LEGS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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