why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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