Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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