You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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