I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
