She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
