I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
