I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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