I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
