see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
