I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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