I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
