you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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