Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
