I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
whose parrot is this?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
