Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
