I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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