U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
