dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
